"Now, go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"

Paris, of course!


My hostel...should have been called "Shit & Shit Hostel". Hot, sweaty, cramped, and several flights of narrow stairs. I would not recommend it. Before I go any further though, there needs to be a brief interlude for Quentin Tarantino:
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VINCENT: In Paris, you can buy beer at MacDonald's. Also, you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
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JULES: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
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VINCENT: No, they got the metric system there, they wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.
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JULES: What'd they call it?

VINCENT: Royale with Cheese.

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Say, while were stopping off for things made famous by movies, let's go see the sight of a film no self-respecting man would see, but any self-respecting man would have seen a show there:

The Moulin Rouge. NOTE: Walking down Boulevard de Clichy is HIGHLY NOT RECOMMENDED. Unlike the Red Light District, Boulevard de Clichy is really sleazy, shifty, and kind of dangerous. I almost got into a fight with a sex-club bouncer who was trying a little too hard to get me to come in and see the show. Long story short, I made it clear that I was not to be intimidated by local "muscle". Fuck that frog down his thick, croaky throat.

I wasn't too upset about it, though. After all, he didn't throw any rocks and I was just a few blocks away from Au Lapin Agile. Please read Picasso at the Lapin Agile by Steve Martin to understand why this place is awesome.

Then, the heavens gaped open and pured forth a deluge that would make Noah go, "SHIT!". This put an end to Day 1 in Paris. I only had two days, so the next day would have to count.

First stop, Notre Dame. Silently humming the charge song for the Fighting Irish, I walked inside.

No hunchback. Don't ask. If there was, he'd be dead by now. Not only because it would have made him centuries old, but medicine at that time was terrible. He couldn't have lived passed his forties.

Second stop, the Louvre. Now, this thing used to be a palace. You can't tell from this photo, but...

...shit's big.

Also, if you believe Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, this is the resting place of the "sang real".

They had some cool historical stuff at the Louvre besides the art. For example, these are the remnants of the old castle that once stood here.

This is actually one of the coolest things I've seen in Europe. This is the original slab containing the Code of Hammurabi...written in very tiny font size.

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Now, the Louvre is known for its famous paintings and sculptures. So, without further adeiu, I give you the Louvre's Greatest Hits (with altered titles):

"Toddler Strangling a Duck"

"In Mercia? But The Coconut's Tropical! This Is A Temperate Zone!"

"Fuck You, Tiny Monster! I'm Hercules And I Got A Bat For Your Face!"

This one is actually a statue of Spartacus, although it was rather difficult to find. Every statue in the room had a plaque in front of it saying that it was a statue of Spartacus.

A statue of Philopoemen, but one of the members of the RADA program has sort of dubbed this the "Kevin Little Statue". I am pleased by this.

"Are You There Joan? It's Me...God"

"Poseidon Getting Sick and Fucking Tired of His Horse's Bullshit"

"Napoleon Says 'Fuck You, I'm the Emperor Now'"

"The Pseudo-Consensual Relations With the Sabine Women"

"The 300"

"Torso Lady"

And finally, "Itty Bitty Smiling Lady"

The real deal.

After the Louvre, the Arc de Triomphe. Climbing it was a bitch.

View was nice, though. Only had one more thing to see before I could wrap up the Paris leg of the "Final Hurrah Odyssey".

Unfortunately, they tore down the Bastille when the peasants revolted in 17-something-something, so I settled for the Eiffel Tower. Now, do you see the tiers as you go up from the ground? You should see four horizontal tiers, the fourth being the top area. I walked up the first two. MUCH more of a bitch than the Arc de Triomphe was. Oddly, they make you take an elevator to the top from there, so I technically walked as far as any visitor can walk up the tower...so there! Fuck you if you thought I was being lazy or giving up! I don't play that.

View of the garden-thing in front of the Eiffel Tower where everyone goes to get their pics with the tower.

View of Paris and some sort of pretty building.

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That's it! I'm done with Europe and I want to go home, goddamn it! I'm exhausted and I miss pancakes. Only 24 hours left in Europe, so better I make the best of it...